WWE to Hold First Post-COVID Match, Will Decide Who Gets Infected Ahead of Time

ORLANDO, FL—World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has set an official date for their first live event since the Coronavirus lockdowns went into effect in early March. As preparations begin for the highly anticipated match, writers have begun determining who will get infected by Covid-19.

“With its big wide-open park spaces and belief in the freedom of personal choice, Florida is the perfect match for our family-oriented brand," said WWE owner and president, Vince McMahon, citing the state's lax social distancing rules. "Besides, how is the corona going to get any of my wrestlers when they’re FIFTY FEET IN THE AIR, ATOP A STEEL LADDER, BATTLING FOR THE ‘MONEY IN THE BANK’ BRIEFCASE AND A SHOT AT THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP!?”

According to WWE writers, 26 of the 40 wrestlers participating in the Royal Rumble have had Coronavirus preemptively written into their storylines. The spread is thought to be linked to Mankind and his signature move “The Mandible claw”.

Despite setting record multi-day highs in newly reported cases, Orlando is expecting to see some top tier talent, including Former WWE Heavyweight champion and movie star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. While he has some reservations about the virus, The Rock is very excited about his upcoming Title bout against megastar John Cena.

“I’ll tell you this: I’m not gonna let some rudy-poo, candy-ass virus stop me from taking that World Heavyweight title in Orlando next month," said Johnson, as he prepared his Los Angeles home's personal ICU clinic. "That’s why this win is going to be dedicated to my fans and of course the fans that will be hospitalized after attending this event. This one's for you.”

Johnson goes on further to say that while confident in Disneyland’s safety protocols, he is slightly concerned about his ability to effectively socially distance from Cena when they’re both locked in a steel cage together.