Ice Cold? Fat Chance! Investors Worried Rising Arctic Temps Will Render Coca-Cola Too Warm For Polar Bears To Drink.
SIBERIA, RUSSIA—Over the weekend, temperatures in the northernmost regions of Siberia rose to their highest levels in recorded history, prompting alarm among wildlife conservationists and capitals alike.
A spokesperson for the Arctic wildlife advocacy group Polar Babes For Polar Bears commented, “They look so sad. We brought them sunglasses, and they won’t even try them on. It’s like they don’t even care about pushing their brand.”
The spokesperson went on further to say, “The warm weather does kinda kill the vibe. It’s like, is this even Siberia anymore?” Some fear that if temperatures continue to rise very soon there won’t be a Northern Pole left to commercialize.
“Think about it, in 40 years, Rudolph? Gone. Frosty the Snowman? Gone. Jack Frost? Dead as hell. How are we supposed to make money on Winter Wonderland mascots if people know it’s warm enough to wear shorts there.” says, Matthew Vale, VP of Coca-Cola’s Seasonal Marketing.
Coca-Cola responded to the news and allegations of its contribution to the rise in global temperatures with a statement.
“While we accept absolutely no blame on behalf of the company or its various partners, we are confident polar bears will enjoy the crisp, refreshing taste of a Coca-Cola no matter the temperature. With that said, we here at Coca-Cola stand in solidarity with the Climate Change movement, and to prove it, we’re unveiling a new line up of Coca-Cola products, Coca-Cola: North. Coca-Cola: North will include a variety of new Polar-themed flavors, all served at room temperature. Hot chocolate, Honeycomb, and what we expect to be a fan-favorite —Seal pup.”
They’ve promised that 10% of all proceeds will go to fund the fight against the terrible reign of wildlife advocacy groups and their frivolous climate change accountability legislative actions against the Coca-Cola Company and its subsidiaries.
