Hide The Bodies: 8 Tips for Breaking Up With Your Pandemic Plants
Sigh. You didn't think it would ever come to this. A year ago, when you first got together, it was fun and exciting. They were a chance for you to liven up your prison cell of an apartment. Now that the honeymoon luster has washed away, you’re currently stuck with an eyesore that has your friends constantly asking “are you sure they’re still alive? There's a lot of gnats.”
So it’s officially time to prune the tree that is your singledom with these surefire tips to get you away from the unwanted weeds in your life.
1. Cherish the good times.
Remember how you felt when you first met? You didn’t know how long you would together but on that trip home from the store you just knew this would be a good fit even though the windy was blowing dumb hard. You were in love and convinced that you’re a badass, nurturing #PlantDad. Reflect on all the dopamine you got from showing off their cute planters and funky color pattern as you throw them in the dumpster.
2. Take some time for yourself.
Okay, so plants are much needier than you expected. Water and sunlight, but only some of the time? Yeesh. When did your schedule start to revolve around taking care of them? Don’t forget to live your life. It's Adam and Eve, not Cameron and Tree.
3. Hide the bodies.
You took too much time for yourself! Okay, definitely write that down for future reference. Plants won't just “do their own thing” like a cat or small child. Now, quick: time to hastily scoop the drying husks of your former plants into the trash or in the HelloFresh box. A tangled heap of visible plant bodies will accentuate your failures as a nurturing figure. You're a serial killer pretty much, so now you have to Search Party this shit.
4. Buy new plants.
Everyone kills their first plant. Pssssh. It’s practically a right of passage for plant ownership. You gotta get back out there and find a new plant. There are always more Figs in the Forest and every hoe in BK has a pothos. You’re older and wiser and still trapped inside. It’s almost like you need the plants as much as they need you. You’re ready to hop back out there.
5. Tell everyone about how good you and your new plants are doing together.
Awwww, look at us. You have to post a picture or your plants don't exist. Make sure to let people know that staying inside has been so chill and smooth. Just you and your plants. Smile!
6. Work on an alibi for when people come over and ask “Hey, what happened to all those plants? There were so many."
Hushed whispers behind masks: "didn’t they have a fern? Didn't they nickname their giant fern?” Nope, not you. You need an excuse yesterday. Start brainstorming:
They stay at their Aunt's on the weekend.
They’re here they’re just resting in the other room.
Plants? What plants? You’re talking craaaazy. I ain't about that.
7. Shop around.
You’re allowed to do some window shopping. You have the pots and soil but you don’t need a plant right now. Have fun. Go to farmer markets and Home Depot. Turn out the lights and browse Seeds and Stems before bed. Let your imagination run. Really consider if you’re even emotionally prepared to accept another plant into your lif—
8. Immediately buy more plants
*Gasp* Hydrangeas? I have to get them.
