Early Bird! Prince Andrew Sends "Sorry For Your Loss" Cards to Ghislaine Maxwell's Family
Prince Andrew extended his condolences to the family of alleged Epstein co-conspirator and child sex trafficker, Ghislaine Maxwell in a statement made early Friday morning, saying he was “utterly shocked” to hear the news of her death by apparent suicide.
Speaking directly to the press he said, “It’s a shame, really, not just for her family, to lose a loved one, but for the victims as well. Now we may never ever know what truly happened. Ever.”
According to those close to the case, Maxwell was taken into federal custody late Thursday evening by FBI agents in New Hampshire, and at the time of press, is said to be, still be very much alive.
“She’s actually still in the booking process, sharing a holding cell with some of our new intakes," said the arresting agent. "They’re all getting along quite well, they’ve got a massage circle going. It’s like a bunch of theater kids. They're watching Hamilton.”
After her initial hearing, if the judge determines her abundant wealth and resources make her a flight risk, Maxwell will be transported to the Metropolitan Correctional Center in Lower Manhattan, the same prison where Jeffery Epstein died by a suspicious suicide last year.
Maximum security nighttime prison guard at the MCC, Kevin Fleming, said to reporters, “We’re doing our best, but you know, the cameras do go in and out sometimes, and our jobs are hard, they’re long hours, so occasionally we doze off. You can’t expect us to know everything that goes on here” while taping over his bodycam.
In recent months, Prince Andrew has come under fire for his alleged role in the sex trafficking ring presumed to have been led by Maxwell at the behest of now deceased, Jeffery Epstein. When asked to respond to claims made by victim Virginia Roberts, that after a night of clubbing with Epstein, Maxwell, and himself, the 17-year-old was then instructed to engage in sexual intercourse with the Prince, he vehemently denied the interaction.
“March 2001?" asked the Prince. "Impossible. I was at a Pizza Express, innit? Every night that month, actually. I love pineapple on pizza. Some people don’t, but I do. It’s sweet and savory. It’s a perfect balance.”
Prince Andrew has actually had the condolences to the Maxwell family written on Hallmark cards since Epstein's arrest. He simply has awaited her arrest, grabbed the box of cards off the mantel next to his paintings of young nudes, and dropped it in the mail on his way to work.
“Oh, well, yea that certainly does look like me!" said the Prince, frantically refreshing twitter for news. "But, in London? No, I always wear a suit and tie when I’m out in London, unless I’m at a Pizza Express. Was this taken at a Pizza Express?”
Roberts was relieved to hear the news of Maxwell’s arrest and had this to say to Prince Andrew, “You should be sweating.”
“I physically can’t sweat, actually,” he told reporters, as what appeared to be a very damp cloth fell out of his sleeve.
