McMahon Agrees To Settle Sexual Misconduct Claims If—And Only If—She Can Defeat The Undertaker At Wrestlemania!!!

Vince McMahon stepped down as CEO of the WWE this past Friday due to an investigation of alleged misconduct with a former employee. The 76-year-old legend has agreed to the terms of the settlement—but with a "bone-crunching" twist. 

During a segment on WWE Raw, Vince talked about how the case will get settled. 

“Of course, I’ll pay her," McMahon quietly explained into a WWE microphone in a non-descript locker room. "I’m not heartless. All she has to do is show up ……..and FIGHT THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANNIIIAAA!!!!”

Officials state that the sexual misconduct trial will be a Hell in a Cell match with Mick Foley as guest referee.

“Did you really think it would be that easy to get my money, woman?” screamed McMahon into an unplugged mic. “I made a club for people to literally kiss my ass. I’ve let wrestlers beat the shit out of my son. I’ve fired people just for smiling incorrectly and I shave my beard every morning so that it doesn’t win. What chance do you have against me?”

The plaintiff had one short reply:

“You’re on.”

The wrestling world is in shock to hear this announcement. Every wrestler, from current stars to Hall of Fame-ers can’t wait to see Undertaker get back into the ring to protect the abuser—and his belt. Shawn Michaels recently tried to visit The Deadman and asked about his thoughts on the match. 

“Yeah, I knocked on his coffin but he wasn't in it. It was just full of Limp Bizkit CDs," said Michaels. "I think he’s back down in Death Valley training and punching cacti. I would not want to be the person across from him, regardless of substantiated evidence of repeated abuse."