Blimey! If ‘Harry Potter’ is Canceled, What Am I Supposed to Base My Personality Around?
Look, I understand J.K. said some transphobic things, but if Harry Potter is no longer cool to like, what am I supposed to put in my Bumble bio to seem cute and relatable? If I can no longer talk about how I’m such a Gryffindor, how can I come off as acceptably nerdy to socially inept men? If I can no longer share trivia facts about Dobby the House Elf (omg RIP 😭), how am I supposed to show that I have substance? Am I supposed to read a second book? Join a different fandom? Have any other interest? I'm overwhelmed.
Um, first off... reading sucks. Anybody who tells you that they like to read in 2020 is a lying squib. Ever heard of podcasts? It's like reading, but you don't have to think or learn anything. There’s a reason all the books I own have aesthetically-pleasing covers. It’s so I can post thirst traps in clear-frame glasses holding Adulting by Kelly Williams Brown (the only other book I’ve read besides Harry Potter) with the caption “Reading + Tea is my love language.”
Second of all, I’m simply not joining another fandom. Percy Jackson? Star Trek? Black Lives Matter? Sorry, but I refuse to memorize another 1500 characters when I’ve already done it once. Did you know that I know all of the Weasley family members' names and the order of their birth? Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred (omg RIP 😭) & George , Ron, and Ginny. I simply don’t have space in my brain to know that and also about Juneteenth and Black Wall St. (omg RIP 😭). So no, I will not be “joining another fandom.”
The Harry Potter series had the perfect kind of lazy feminism that never challenged my beliefs while simultaneously making me feel woke. Because it’s about classism or whatever right? I know that classism is bad because I went to a #GirlBoss conference about it at The Wing.
These books allow me to feel morally superior when I correct someone about how they mix up something that happened in the movie with what happened in the book! It was ideal for someone like me who reads at a 7th-grade level but enjoys a few silly, made-up words and stereotypical ethnic names that rhyme adorably. It gave me the perfect Halloween costume where I could dress slutty without letting my own internalized misogyny condemn me for doing so. It made guys use the word “adorkable” to describe me. I’m wet just thinking about it.
And now... I’m just supposed to remove “Hogwarts 2014” from my Twitter bio? Laser off my Deathly Hallows thigh tattoo? Read another book instead of re-reading the same series every year? Grow up.
