Amazon Offering New Covid Vaccine Exclusively to Prime Members

If getting inoculated against the dreaded Covid-19 virus is something you’re dying for, you’ll have to wait. That is unless you’re one of Amazon’s 1.5 million Prime members.

The miracle vaccine, the passion project of Amazon’s billionaire owner, Jeff Bezos, is initially slated for sale only to Prime members. For only $12.99 a month and a signed forfeiture of every bit of data you've ever produced, you move to the front of the line, for what everyone else in the world is anxiously awaiting.

Known as Primus-19, the vaccine was researched and produced at Jeff Bezos’ secret facility, WDL (World Domination Labs, Inc.), located in the face of a massive dragon-shaped volcano on a secret island somewhere in international waters, out of the jurisdiction of any nation-state.

Bezos, the non-fiction Lex Luthor, has the top scientists, epidemiologists, chemists, and warehouse shit pawns on staff full-time for the endeavor. In early December, he was tipped by one of his Chinese spies about the severity of the virus in China.

"This could be my next Alexa," he whispered to himself, as his nurses transfused him with children's blood. You know, for the vitality.

His vaccines-in-progress was quickly tested on keen Amazon employees who signed a contract allowing them to be human guinea pigs, or as Amazon's PR team calls them: Prime Serfs. When Primus-19 came out a winner, Bezos began vaccinating key members of his c-suite, but only "the chill ones."

Prime members will soon get access to the $49.99 Standard Vaccine, which will include a confused FedEx employee injecting you right on your doorstep with a "pretty good" chance of success. The Pro-Premium Prime Vaccine, for a cool $199, will have a 65% chance of success and include access to never-before-seen director commentaries on select episodes of Jack Ryan.