Amazon Bans Police Use of Facial Technology, Promises Screenshots Instead

Amazon has announced that it will ban the use of its facial technology by police and instead send them screenshots. CEO Jeff Bezos could not hold his excitement after the announcement of Amazon Prime Receipts.

“At Amazon, we like to break from the mold but also stay classically evil. Going forward, our dedicated workers will manually take screenshots of every Black person’s face on social media and send it to the appropriate authorities.”

Some employees requested the ability to work-from-home with their new responsibilities to which the Amazon HR Department just laughed and laughed. Amazon fulfillment centers across the country have already removed acres of shelving and replaced them with shitty folding chairs for workers to sit and scroll social media for their entire 23-hour workday. One piss break is allowed per day but absolutely no hand washing.

One Black employee resigned on the spot and immediately flooded with Instagram follow requests from his coworkers.

“That Amazon Prime Receipt Team is crazy, man. They found my estranged father on BlackPlanet. I didn’t even know that site was still active."

Bezos even created a "Bonus Board" which rewards employees for locating Black celebrities who are notoriously hard to track.

“Robert Ri’chard from Cousin Skeeter is one of our top bonuses at the moment,” said Bezos as he finished drinking his morning cup of blood. "I'll get that fucking puppet too, mark my words."

Amazon is also in the final stage of completing the development of a completely CGI'd LL Cool J to go on Instagram live and accept join-requests from unsuspecting fans.

Since the initiative was announced, over 3,000 Instagram stories, 52,000 Snapchats, and 27 CashApp profiles have been sent to police departments around the nation.