Amazon Promises To Expedite Gentrification In Other Four Boroughs Of NYC

Back in mid-2018, tech giant and potential Skynet contender, Amazon announced plans to open two new headquarters on the East Coast. The first location, announced in November, is in the Anabel Basin area of Queens, NY. 

There’s been controversy surrounding this decision, as it surfaced that Amazon would receive $3 billion in subsidies from the city — along with a sub-agreement that Governor Cuomo has to swampboat Bezos at least once a month until 2025. But many found it hard to argue with the thousands of jobs this would create.

Proponents of the plan were even more ecstatic upon the following announcement.

“In addition to a multitude of jobs and services coming with the Queens HQ, we also promise to expedite the gentrification of the other four boroughs of NYC,” said Joseph Barker, Amazon Press Representative.

That’s right, Amazon plans to tidy up neighborhoods beginning with Queens and then eventually spreading out into the other boroughs like a spider crack on your screen when you drop your phone. 

Some of the service proposals include replacing Rainbows with Top Golfs, raising bodega prices to $9.50 for a chop cheese, and painting over various “rest in power” murals with portraits of Flo from the Progressive commercials. 

“We’re truly aiming to lift NYC out of the darkness and into a whiter, better future,” proclaimed Barker.