Looking Forward: DNC’s Ideal Candidate Identified As Military Drone That Loves 'Hamilton'
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic National Convention chair Jamie Harrison recently addressed the 17 remaining Americans who still have faith in Democrats to unveil what he claims to be "the future of the party."
"Ladies and gentlemen..." Harrison announced from a curtained stage of the Dulles International Best Western. "We have examined our party, compiled the data, and paid Cambridge Analytica 15 million dollars to composite the most ideal, most electable, most ideologically aligned Democratic candidate possible. We present to you now, the next president of the United States!"
With a dramatic flourish, Harrison then unveiled a decommissioned MQ-1 Predator drone with an original Hamilton t-shirt thrown over its armament.
The audience (now 12 people, as four had left to use the restroom and/or board their next flight) was momentarily stupefied by the revelation of a mindlessly killing automaton, but then quickly reminded themselves that anything is better than Trump—right?
Taking advantage of the stunned, prey-like paralysis of his audience, Harrison then outlined the attack robot/political candidate's values, which include and are entirely limited to:
Dispassionately murdering middle easterners
Expanding US control over global energy
Engaging with the superficially "woke" entertainment we all feel compelled to give a shit about
"Folks, forget about the 'lasers.' Forget about the 'machine guns.' Forget about the 'guided missiles.' We cannot stress enough how much this drone loves Hamilton," stressed Harrison. "The drone watched Hamilton for the first time on Disney+ about a week ago and still won’t shut the fuck up about it!"
In addition to loving Hamilton, this drone also listens to Pod Save America, pretends to read New Yorker articles, and follows Jeff Tiedrich on Twitter!
When pressed to address the logic of a soulless apparatus running for an electable position, the Predator drone simply hummed with quiet menace while Harrison continued to recite it's bona-fides:
"The Predator drone posted a black box on Instagram during the height of the BLM protests. The Predator drone recently changed its Facebook picture to the Ukrainian flag. The Predator drone tweets that we should always protest peacefully and never with violence—the violence is reserved for the Predator Drone only."
"As we speak, we already have this drone listening to Kendrick Lamar albums on Spotify to jeuje it up a little before strapping a big blue tie around it, giving it a pair of cool, clear-rimmed glasses, and thrusting it in MSNBC to start generating shady quips against Trump and DeSantis."
