Ghost Upset Spooky Mansion Turned Into Weird Old Person Orgy Venue

CINCINNATI, OH—Police were called to a residence early last Wednesday morning to what officials are calling a first.

“There we were, having our usual Hallow's Eve orgy, and out of nowhere these ghosts come in protesting our actual existence,” said property owner and sex party promoter Darryl Simms. “I support all entities on every plane of existence, but this is my property, who do they think they are?”

It’s been reported over 15 sentient, non-corporeal protesters had appeared on the property. According to state and federal laws, lead experts on social media have explained, this did not constitute break-and-entering—though it was "pretty creepy."

“Look, we’ve been haunting that home for 100-plus years. And when they moved in two months ago, we were all like, ‘ok, cool, no biggie, but there’s only so many times you can jump out of somewhere and scare someone and get hit in the face with God-knows-what. Technically, the dicks go through me and don’t touch me, but it’s the principle of the matter,” says long-time ghost Boo Radley.

The National Association for the Advancement of Ghost People, or NAAGP, said in a statement this is the result of gentrification in the community and what they see as an unofficial inter-dimensional red lining. 

“I know the ghosts that used to haunt a house a couple of blocks away from here, but they were told they were too ‘ghoulish’ and ‘loud’. What the hell does that mean? That’s a dumb ass statement, cause we all know what that means”, says long-time resident Doug Frasier. “Let them haunt all they want, that’s what I say. If you bring a Ouija board to the house, what do you expect is gonna happen? You don’t get left on read for too long. That’s how I met my partner, Elizabeth ‘Black Dahlia’ Short.”

At press time, Simms put out a statement saying he was prejudiced against ghosts, citing that his first sexual awakening was during the pottery scene in the 1990 film, Ghost. 

“And just last week, we invited Patrick Swayze to perform. He was fantastic! Whoopi, on the other hand, was just in it for the cash I think.”