Aunt Running Out Of Conspiracy Theories To Believe
WOODBRIDGE, NJ—Some wondered if this day would ever come.
Margaret Tillings, 57, longtime conspiracy theorist and aunt of three, is on pace to believe every single crackpot idea in existence within the next few weeks.
From popular mainstays of the genre, such as the Flat Earth theory and chemtrails, to more niche ludicrosities, like The Denver Airport as the secret headquarters of the New World Order, Aunt Margaret believes them all—no questions about it. There isn’t a verifiably false narrative out there she hasn't blindly subscribed to. However, many close to her are worried the single mother of twelve cats is seeing the finish line and losing steam.
Authorities were alerted to this by Roberta Diaz, 43, a manager of the local craft supplies store Aunt Margaret frequents for candle-making supplies in case, in her words, “the power grid is targeted by a martian terrorist cell.”
“She would often stroll in here and regale us with the new goings on of the subterranean lizard people, or funny updates on that darn pizzeria sex thing, or whatever…it was always something new,” explained Diaz. “Recently, she barely bothers to mention who she thinks killed JFK…sometimes the greats just know when it’s time to walk away from the game, ya know?”
While the future of her interest in the delusional may be in question, one unnamed nephew of hers hopes to pounce in this rare moment of instability.
“I’m deleting the YouTube app off her phone during Thanksgiving,” he said, with quiet resolve. “She’ll never figure out how to put it back.”
Aunt Margaret’s career as a conspiracy theorist had only really kicked into gear in 2017 when her phone plan forced her to upgrade her flip phone to an iPhone 6. Five years later, the veteran believer still watches her daily fake news through that same iPhone 6’s shattered screen.
There is hope that this conspiracy theorist has not lost her touch.
When asked by sources if she will turn in her outdated iPhone for a newer model, Ms. Tillings replied:
“What, so the corporate blood mages who work at the phone store can steal my DNA? And use that stolen DNA to create organ-harvesting clones for the wealthy Liberal elite? Over my dead body!”
