Op-Ed: Why I Too Am Giving Away Ownership & Profits Of My Company 'Dog Jeans™' To Fight Climate Change

Look, I know it’s a shocker but just six months after founding Dog Jeans™ in my parent’s basement, I’m deciding to give away its ownership and profits to fight climate change. I may not be a billionaire or a millionaire, and I may have only technically sold three (3) pairs of Dog Jean™ prototypes to date (thanks Mom!), but the Earth needs me now more than ever, not just once I’ve amassed three billion dollars. Crazy, right? I know your newsfeeds and push alerts and ping notifications are all going berserk, so let’s get to the questions. 

What is Dog Jeans™?  

Beautiful, I saw this one coming. If you’re at The Times, The Post, The Journal, or any blog ever you can write “Dog Jeans™ is a cutting-edge fashion company that specializes in high-quality, hard-wearin’ denim trousers strictly made for dogs’ lower halves. Dog Jeans™ let dogs of all sizes proudly strut their stuff without being in the buff."

Awesome, done—next question. 

Jeans for dogs? That sounds kind of weird, what do you do about the dog’s tail? Doesn’t it hurt the dog to just smush the tail inside a pair of rigid denim Dog Jeans™? What gives?

Easy there, Cronkite, that was way more than one question, but I’ll let it slide! Let me proudly state that our loyal and dedicated one-dog R&D team, Huck the sheepdog, has spent many sleepless nights literally wrestling with this very question. Huck was so uncomfortable with our No Tail Hole Smush Fit Style Dog Jeans™ that he swore to buy the whole company and burn it to the ground one day. Because of Hucks’ accurate and insightful response, we’ve permanently discontinued that style and all styles of Dog Jeans™ now have a breathable, Comfort-First Wild Waggin’ Tail Hole™. That way every dog can wag it up and look good while doing it! Next question! Hit me!

If you’ve never sold a real pair of Dog Jeans™ and basically make no money at all, then how is giving it away going to make any kind of difference for our dying Earth? 

Wow! What a pointedly garbled mouthful of words that was! You must have practiced asking that at home. Well, I firmly believe with every fiber of my being that you don’t need to cross the billion-dollar threshold to make a difference for the betterment of our planet. You don’t need to make a profit. You don’t need to have a functional company. You don’t even need to have a dog! (Or a dog that loves strutting its stuff style with a hunky pair of denim slacks for that matter). You just need to admit that climate change and the climate crisis are real, unobjective problems and then do what you can with what you’ve got at your own economic and financial level. If you simply pick up a phone and pester your town hall with the intent of making sure your local representatives are making good, sound, climate-oriented decisions, that can make a difference! If you have the means to embrace and utilize different modes of renewable energy, that can make a difference! And if one day you decide to just walk or ride your unicycle somewhere instead of taking an automobile, that can make a difference. Billionaire or not, even small collective costless actions can help fight the biggest catastrophic problems. …Uhhh, what’s that? You’ve got one last question. Okay, Brokaw, make it quick!

So, who’s the new owner?

Elon has expressed interest, but besides him, well... no one. Huck the Dog wants nothing to do with me and neither do my parents. they're just jealous about my new idea: Cat Slacks™