Climate Change, Global Heat Waves Render Goth Lifestyle Unsustainable

Shocking new data suggests that climate change will heat the surface of the earth to a point that will render the goth lifestyle simply unsustainable.

As humans keep burning fossil fuels, the atmosphere continues to get hotter and hotter. With the release of greenhouse gasses like carbon dioxide and methane, we are now walking towards a future where dark Marilyn Manson t-shirts, Doc Martin Knee boots, and jet black pageboys could be a thing of the past now that Hot Topic may be literally too hot for some.

“We are seeing more and more gloomy youngsters these days in the ER with heat exhaustion and first-degree burns to their scalp,” explained ER doctor, Marvin Sheffield. “The increases to the dermis layer while ensconced in all black can raise the body’s core temperature dangerously high—especially in the summer months. I recommend conserving energy, riding a bike, and converting into a pastel or neon goth as those colors may be more heat-resistant."

These findings included the ironic detail that 77% of the world's emissions are produced by just 100 companies worldwide. One such company, Thread Bare, is the largest maker of clothing fabric—meaning their production is destroying their future markets.

“It's a damn shame!” Decries local grandmother, Irene O’hara. “I always know that my grandson, Timmy, is happy to receive a black T-shirt for Christmas. Now, what am I supposed to buy his moody little ass? I refuse to watch The Crow with him again."

When reached for comment, Timmy, aka. “Timothy Raven Wrath” refused to comment, but you could tell he was really, really sweaty.