Local Library Removes Books To Make More Space For Weirdos To Hang Out

ALBANY, NY–The Pine Hills Branch of the Albany Public Library is the first to take part in a pilot program which will see the removal of all of its books. The extra space will be used to accommodate four new computer stations, and up to a dozen lounge chairs for the county's creepiest patrons to just sit and stare. 

The new layout is a result of a yearlong study documenting how most people actually use the library. 

“It was only a matter of time,” says librarian Patty Norton, “no one comes here to read anymore. Everything's online these days.” 

Norton, a stout woman with bristly legs, has been a librarian at this branch since the mid-eighties and has witnessed many changes in that time. 

“Of course, when the internet came around, we all thought that would be the end of libraries. But eventually it just became normal. And now, many people come here just to use the internet.” 

Lately though, the new normal is people coming in to do nothing but sit and stare.  

“This used to be a fun place," said Norton, waving her hand in front of a glossy-eyed guest to make sure he was still alive. "Everyone enjoyed going to the library. There would be kids coming in to do research for school projects, unemployed people looking for jobs online, and even some adults who actually like reading.”

Eventually though, something changed. Over the course of a few years, the old patrons were replaced with a new group. A group that didn’t seem to care about any of the services the library offered. 

“They just sit there. None of them ever approach the books. I don’t know why they come here just to sit and do nothing. You can do that a coffee shop or at home. 

Occasionally, some will look at a newspaper. 

“It’s only ever The New York Post. That’s the only paper they like. Honestly, I'd rather they just watch porn. That makes more sense to me."