Throwback! Woman Gets Flu Instead Of COVID

GREENSBORO, NC—Step back COVID, influenza is back and better than ever! A woman in North Carolina is bringing back the classics this year with a terrible case of the flu. A high grade fever, chills, and explosive diarrhea aren’t exclusive to the COVID girlies anymore, Hannah Garver is committed to showing people that the flu isn’t out just yet.

“I just feel like I was born during the wrong pandemic,” says Garver. “These past few years we’ve totally lost sight of true, OG sickness, so I’m bringing it back.”

As one of the longer lived and more popular trends recently, COVID has been very popular in the mainstream for three years now. But, Garver, a school teacher and self appointed trendsetter, knew that it was time to bring out old influenza B for the start of a new school year.

“If I’m being honest I got the idea from one of my first grade students." she explained before blowing her nose. "He had a runny nose and I thought, ‘hey, what if that wasn’t COVID this time? That'd be fun!'”

Sure enough, one trip to a local urgent care facility and one throat swab later and she was positive… positively chic! And boy does she know how to accessorize. For the next week she will be sporting 2000s era Tamiflu, some cough drops found at the bottom of her purse circa God knows when, and—the always classic—Kleenex.

Friends and family of Garver thought that she had retired the look long ago and are a little annoyed to see it make another appearance.

“She usually pulls this out of the back of her closet about once a year,” said Garver’s sister, Lauren. “She retired from the whole flu thing when COVID got so popular but I guess the flu is just more her style, occasionally she’ll try bronchitis or even pneumonia once in a blue moon but flu has been her thing since she was a kid.”