Mom “Too Busy” for Coronavirus

According to a recent report, a local mother has decided that she is simply “too busy” to get coronavirus.

Of the many anxieties associated with a seemingly never-ending pandemic, Leela Joshi, 53, is not worried about getting the virus. She’s following all the rules: social distancing, staying inside whenever possible, and disinfecting her grown-ass adult son’s room with more vigor than usual.

But her main tactic for warding off the coronavirus? Simply not having the time.

“I’m baking sourdough, I’m using my Neti Pot, I’m doing stretches,” says Joshi, when asked what she’s too busy with. “I barely have time to video call my best friend, or my other best friend who I actually hate. I absolutely cannot pencil in coronavirus.”

“She is super busy,” her son, Viraj, confirms. “She’s learning how to thread her eyebrows via YouTube tutorials, while also critiquing my cousins’ eyebrows remotely. If coronavirus wants to get her, it’s gonna have to wait in line.”

As it turns out, this strategy is actually working.

“Fine, bitch," said a nearby coronavirus particle after being coughed out a passerby's mouth. "I’ll go cluster onto these white people going swimming and making out at Applebee’s. Low hanging fruit.”

“That’s what I thought, sweetie,” said Joshi, as she poured bleach onto the kitchen countertop. At press time, she was hard at work organizing a Zoom race war in her neighborhood.