“Be Gentle With Me, I’m Fucking Learning!” Screams Brunch Patron
Early on Saturday afternoon, a local woman verbally accosted a server at a trendy neighborhood brunch spot, Crops n' Hops.
“Be gentle with me, I’m learning!” shrieked Amanda Miller, a copywriter seated on the patio. Her face was red and agonized.
“I just told her we were out of grapefruit juice,” said brunch server, Nick Jones. “And she freaked out.”
“I’m learning, don’t you understand?” she continued, bellowing at Jones. “How was I supposed to know about racism existing? I’m trying my best to quickly Google 'defund the police' and yet I’m the bad guy here? As MLK and Malcolm X both said, ‘Everyone needs to be nicer to me, Amanda.’”
Since the eruption of the most recent protests against police brutality, Miller has been fully committed to “doing the work” to unlearn racism, but it’s been an exhausting process for her. Reports say that she’s posted the black square on Instagram and listened to anti-racism podcasts up until she got bored and switched back to The Office. Her fingers are cramped from retweeting one bail fund link. She’s even been buying daily flights just so she could watch her favorite in-flight movie, “The Help.” She’s even been knitting pussy hats since 2016, all because no one told her to stop. She currently has over 4000 pinks hats.
“Just because I don’t personally face racism constantly, and just because my parents and their friends were pioneers in redlining their suburb, doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to be tired,” she screeched, while wondering out loud why “you people” can’t seem to give her any credit. “I haven’t even said the N-word in years. Can’t I just enjoy one brunch without being reminded that I’m white?”
“I told her she could choose between orange juice or guava juice,” said Jones. “That’s all we have and they’re both $18, so honestly I don’t know why she’s this upset. She's saving a ton of money...”
Miller got up and stormed out without paying, but not before knocking over some plates and stabbing an old lady with a fork. “Self-care is a radical act,” she screamed.
As of press time, Miller was busy ripping up her mask and kissing her dog on the mouth.
