Dyson Announces New Vacuum Designed To Be Used By Women Your Mom Calls 'Maria'
CHICAGO—Technology company Dyson Limited has announced the release of a new line of their iconic vacuum cleaners, designed to be used exclusively by women your mother calls “Maria,” despite that rarely being their actual name.
“We are incredibly excited for the new 'La Ventosa' line to hit the market,” said Dyson Representative Michael Ogawa at a press conference. “These new devices were run through exhaustive testing and have been specifically designed to be used only by a lady of an indeterminate country of origin who seems to come every day of the week and sometimes on the weekend if there's a party or something. The cordless, easy-to-maneuver design ensures your 'Maria' will be able to move around your mom’s home with ease. The powerful, patented centrifugal core was constructed in mind for a woman who comes from either Ecuador or Bolivia or whatever and even the handle is ergonomically designed to never be touched by your mom. That’ll never happen, not in a million years.”
“Can you imagine Mom picking up one of these babies?” Ogawa continued, laughing. "I must laugh."
Karen Tornfelt, a self-described “boss bitch” and mother of two, was enthusiastic about The Ventosa.
“Oh, Maria will love this,” Tornfelt said while contacted a high school acquaintance via Facebook. “This is just the kind of thing that will help her get in to clean all the places I dock her pay for missing. I mean, I’ll have to find something else to dock her for, but that’s the price of progress.”
Consumer goods reviewer Jasmine Hogarth was effusive in her praise of Dyson’s new product.
“The La Ventosa will be a godsend for the poorly paid workers hired by white families to do their dirty work, often under the implicit threat of deportation,” Hogarth wrote in her review of the line. “They’re incredibly useful and barely require any upkeep or care, much like the women in question, all of whom are assumed to be named Maria.”
As of press time, women named Maria said: “Me vale, mientras que no hable con esa puta.”
