Tapped In: Woman’s Friends Excited For New Asshole Boyfriend To Liven Up Group Text
CHICAGO, IL—Reports indicate that the friends of local woman Grace Curtis have been introduced to her new asshole boyfriend, and are thrilled to have their group text about to turn into a rollercoaster of drama.
“Ever since Grace dumped her last guy, Everett or whatever,” said Curtis’ friend Leona Demsley. “The group text has gotten pretty boring. Don’t get me wrong, getting rid of that piece of shit was the best decision she’s ever made. He was a drunk, a gaslighter, an all-around piece of human garbage. Once, he convinced her to pay for them to go to Las Vegas for a three-day weekend, spent two days playing blackjack, and then passed out on the seafood buffet. It was their anniversary.”
“That said,” Demsley continued. “I couldn’t wait to have my phone blow up that weekend. It was better than Drag Race.”
Curtis was happy that her friends are so excited about her new relationship, even if she didn't completely understand why.
“I won’t lie,” Curtis said. “I’ve had some pretty rotten luck with relationships. Everett, John, Wayne, Everett’s brother. They’ve pretty much all been non-stop nightmares all the way through. Sometimes, it felt like the only thing keeping me together was my girlfriends always being willing to let me vent on the group text, whether it’s talking about John’s wife he never told me about or Henry turning out to have never told his wife about me. I swear, my life is a soap opera.”
Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioral therapist specializing in friendship stress, was unsurprised by the situation.
“It’s extremely common for friend groups to single out one member to provide emotional entertainment,” Dr. Carter explained. “Whether it’s a family determining that the fuckup youngest brother will serve as the locus of ridiculous career failures and drunken mishaps or a group of girlfriends viewing a string of terrible romantic partners as a substitute for their own drama, there’s always somebody kept around because their ridiculously terrible choices activate serotonin.”
When asked for comment, Curtis’ new boyfriend Ted Rogers stubbed out his cigarette on his shoe and said: “Yeah, fuck those gossipy bitches. Let's go to Vegas.”