Woman Misunderstanding Data Economy Whispers SSN Into Vending Machine

After reading an article about how social media platforms are monetized, Denise Robinson was spotted mumbling her social security number into a vending machine, presumably in exchange for a Diet Coke.

“She can’t seem to grasp the concept of cookies and attribution windows,” said her friend Jesse Turner, who works at an ad agency. “I’ve tried explaining to her multiple times that you don’t get free goods and services in the tangible world from oversharing.”

But that didn’t seem to register with Denise. Just last week, she was telling increasingly personal stories to her barista, recounting the day she got her first period and the residual trauma from her parents’ divorce in an attempt to get a flat white (no foam) on the house.

“Information is the new currency, right?” she cheerily asked the exasperated coffeemaker.

“Uh, sure lady. That’ll be $6.47.”

Denise was nothing if not persistent and saw it as a challenge to get the next offline vendor she came across to accept her user data as payment. A few days later, Jesse got a call from her, and she was ecstatic at her success.

“It was a stool sample,” he said, still in shock. “She'd put it in a ziplock bag and forced it into the hands of her poor masseuse.”