Woman Desperate For Clubhouse Invite: 'I Seek A New Channel On Which To Be Harassed, Please'

Chicago, IL—The pandemic has changed life as we know it. Millions of people have been forced to work, play, and, yes, even sexually harass from the comfort of their homes.

“It’s nice to save money by not commuting,” says Zoe Banks, a 25-year-old assistant at a boutique PR firm she’d rather not name. “But I do kind of miss the guy who masturbates on the Red Line. Yes, I am in therapy.”

Like many of us, she turned to the Internet for human contact. 

“Old men sending me messages on LinkedIn is kind of like getting hit on at the office, but it lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.”

Enter Clubhouse, the latest social media app taking the Internet by storm. 

“It’s, like, an open space where you can talk to people from all over the world about anything. But it’s invite-only, so you know the people must be top tier.”

And exclusive. Devotees can only access the app if they receive an invite from an existing user. Since April 2020, an estimated 10 million users have joined in on the fun to discuss everything from pop culture to politics. 

So what makes Banks want to be user number 10,000,001?

“Honestly, there’s only so many dick pics you can get in your DMs before they start to look alike, melt together. I can’t remember the last time a Tinder message surprised me with its crassness. The next time a guy tells me he wants to [redacted] in my [redacted], I want to hear it.”

She’s been waiting a little more than four months for her opportunity, stalking Facebook Groups and Deux Moi posts for a kind stranger with invites to spare. Before we end our call, she shoots her shot with me.

“Are you on Clubhouse? I’ll trade you for a Raya pass.”