CDC Releases New Guidelines For Crying in Public
The CDC recently released new guidelines for crying in public amidst the COVID-19 pandemic.
“We at the CDC want you to have an enjoyable public sob that’s also sanitary,” said CDC representative Theresa Grey. “Whether you’re crying because you’re worried about the post office, or because you’re thinking about how koalas can get chlamydia and you’re jealous they get to have sex, please wear a mask. In these uncertain times, no one wants to offer your slimy ass a tissue.”
The government agency would like everyone to remember to:
Maintain six feet of distance from others to ensure that you’re ugly crying at strangers, not on strangers
The virus spreads from person to person through fluids, so it’s important to cry directly into a trash can. No touching the trash—hands should be behind your back during like you’re an old man admiring a painting at a museum
No evidence that the virus spreads through water, so it is safe to put your face directly into a public toilet to cry.
While some are used to crying in public with no regard to others’ public safety in pre-pandemic times, the new proposal suggests walking behind an old dog with breathing problems so no one can hear you crying to Drake lyrics from 2012. It has also confirmed that it is perfectly okay to do a whale call of a shriek-cry on the train if there are less than ten people in the car.
The consequences of not following the rules could be devastating for the nation. “Teens will see you crying, and reports say that they will not hold back from calling you a ‘little Madewell bitch,’” said Grey. “If this happens, you can try pouring your tears into a vape as a last resort, but we’re not promising that it’s gonna work. Especially if it’s true.”
What’s most important, says the CDC, is finding creative ways to cry outside safely, simulating normalcy whenever you can.
“What’s that? Oh, Sparky died? I’m so upset!!!” sobbed a local woman into her phone on a fake call with no one, before launching into a new wave of eye gushing.
