US News And World Report Releases List Of Highest Value Universities For Coronavirus Particles
With different universities offering variations of remote and in-person classes this fall, and varying levels of on-campus living, US News and World Report has released this year’s inaugural list of best colleges for coronavirus particles looking to attain a four-year degree.
It’s hard to know where coronavirus can best thrive at a university. Many Covid-19 particles, who didn’t even exist until last December, face adversity: oftentimes they are the first in their family to go to college. Factors like whether they can infiltrate a university, find other coronavirus strains to diversify their outlook, and collaborate with others to broaden their horizons of how many people they can get infect and maybe even kill.
Schools with lax standards for campus social distancing and gatherings offer the best value for coronavirus particles to proliferate happily, getting the most bang for their buck. The top schools on the best budget schools list include Coughing Straight Into Your Mouth State College and Rubbing Your Eyes Because You’re Too Sleepy At The Frat Party University and The Institute of This College Town’s Bars Are Still Open, among others.
“A high-value school doesn’t have the prestige of an Ivy, but that doesn’t mean I still won’t have the same opportunities to infect students at an alarming rate,” said CV-19066-b, a coronavirus particle choosing a southern state school. “If I work really hard here, maybe I can graduate early and squeeze into a competitive law school and infect some people there in a few years.”
CV-56089-Vx, another strand of coronavirus agrees.
“I’ll know a lot of other coronavirus particles there,” she said. “A ton of particles from my high school are going there, so I’m sure we’ll see each other at parties and other gatherings of more than ten people. We’re lucky that university administrators care more about money than student safety.”
“We at the university care deeply about our community, and the best thing for our community right now is to be on a list, any list. Thank you for including us,” said a university administrator at one of the nation's top value school: Swimming Pools Full of Rona School for Horny Youth. “Don’t forget to add that we have so much diversity here. Not only will many strains of coronavirus have the chance to really grow, but we also have bacteria and viruses from all walks of life. At our university, we’ll make sure that you’ll make friends with so many different strains of E. coli, meningitis and mono.”
“Seeing the university do its best to help me, like punishing students for getting sick and being deliberately obtuse about their responsibility to the campus community, makes me feel so at home here,” gushed CV-56089-Vx. “I can’t wait for the next four years.”
