#PatriotLivesMatter Hashtag Grows, Belichick Responds: ‘We Got Cam. So We Good, Yah?’

FOXBOROUGH, MA - Football season is upon us once again and with it, the obligatory tolerance of the New England Patriots. Despite the team's history of “what? we don’t know what you’re talking about” levels of ambiguity, 2020 marks the year that the notoriously white football team seemingly takes a stance in the right direction by signing former league MVP quarterback Cam Newton.

“Yes, I am aware of the hashtag,” growled Coach Belichick during New England’s training camp press conference. “As you can see, Mr. Newton is standing right next to me so I think we can move on to the next set of questions.”

Coach Belichick quickly realized that the next set of questions were all concerning the team's motivations with Newton at which point Coach Belichick threw on his oversized hoodie, covered his head, and just pointed to Newton for the remainder of the press conference. He even placed a Patriots-themed foam finger precariously so that it points directly to Newton, so there was no confusion as to what was done here.

Unfortunately for Belichick, Newton seemed to be on rarely seen autopilot, replying to every racial question with “God is good!” while dressed like Jim Carrey from The Mask.

One individual who did not sidestep the questions was strip mall massage parlor connoisseur and team owner Robert Kraft.

“#PatriotLivesMatter works for us as an organization and as a city,” remarked Kraft. “We’ve embraced it. See, Cam is a Patriot; a Patriot who happens to be a Black. It's possible. Now, our fans don’t need to feel pressured into actually saying Black Lives Matter because it's already implied.”