The Big Ten Postpones Football, Reassures Players That Lack of Punishment for Sexual Assault Will Continue

The Big Ten Conference announced Tuesday they will be postponing the Fall 2020 football season due to the coronavirus, but reassured all players that the lack of punishment for sexual assault will thankfully be uninterrupted.

“It’s not much, but gosh: we hope this will give our players some semblance of hope,” said Morton Schapiro, Chairman of the Big Ten Council. “We could think about punishing these players for sexual assault, but I mean, their football season is being stripped away. We’re not just gonna hit a player while he's down. That could cost us yards."

Unfortunately, this reassurance it’s of little comfort to the players, especially considering that for the entirety of their football careers, they’ve known their sexual misconduct would yield no penalty flags.

“I guess it’s still cool to know we’re still above consequences,” says Wisconsin Badgers linebacker Chad Thickhead. “But that whole ‘ethically immune’ thing always felt better after winning a game, when we could freely harass women at the after-parties. Now what? Do I have to harass a chick after class? Whack.”

As players and fans alike lament for the days of carefree football and disavowing sexual assault victims with reckless abandon, other college conferences such as the Big 12 and the Petite 29 are still trying to give their fans some hope. Schools such as Alabama, Texas Tech, and Nimrod University are committed to tossing around the pigskin and rubbing some foreskin this fall.

“My players will never wear masks on the field, and they certainly will never wear condoms off the field,” claimed Alabama head coach Nick Saban. “There's no point in postponing the season. If Jerry Sandusky can get the best of both worlds and play some football while also getting away with years of molestation, I don’t see why my boys can’t do the same!”