NFL Postpones Games After Discovering Players Tested Negative For Having Domestic Violence Charges

NEW YORK, NY—NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference and stated that a Sunday football game will be postponed after discovering that players from both teams tested negative for having domestic violence charges.

“The league is investigating as to why these players weren’t hitting their wives according to our stringent health guidelines,” said Goodell. “The NFL takes domestic violence very seriously. This is a violent game and we need our players to safely reflect that.”

In the past 20 years, only 80 current and former NFL players have been arrested for domestic violence. Commissioner Goodell believes that this doesn't meet the league’s standards.

“The numbers should be way higher! I mean, I give these slap-on-the-wrist punishments so the players know that the NFL encourages this behavior behind closed doors. We have a long tradition of players abusing their spouses and we can’t stop now! We will continue to postpone this game until the abuse is properly maintained and managed.”

To make sure the numbers go up, Goodell implemented rules such as having TMZ cameras follow players wherever they go. He also wants to invest more money into uniforms, stadiums, and branded plastic beer cups instead of annual education programs for players. Goodell refused to answer any further questions during the press conference. However, he did leave one last statement.

“Hopefully within a week, one of the players will have a dispute with their wife or abuse their child. Kickoff will proceed once the player is bailed out of jail. Let's play ball!”