Unable To Sexually Harass Employees, Desperate Manager Tells Wife “Nice Tits”

NEW YORK, NY—On Monday, James McCallister, 38, manager of the acclaimed yoga studio, Relax, broke down in hysterics, repeatedly screaming “NICE TITS” to his wife of ten years.  

McCallister, who has been quarantined in his Manhattan apartment with his wife for months, has had a particularly hard time adjusting to the pandemic. 

“I had to lay off so many employees and even worse: I'm away from some of the hottest chicks to ever work at Relax. I miss Massage Mondays, Casual Fridays, and I especially miss the inner zen you feel after slapping some girl’s—I mean, woman’s ass,” said a teary-eyed McCallister as he commented “slut” on a woman’s Instagram post. 

“Now, I have been forced to give the same person all my attention for days on end. It doesn’t bring me peace or joy,” he said while using his wife’s underwear to soak up his tears. 

McCallister’s wife, Vanessa, 36, has been overwhelmed by her husband’s recent burst of attention. 

“For the first few months, James was so upset that he couldn’t be at work that he barely ate or slept. Sometimes, I’d catch him caressing the sofa cushions while whispering, ‘Relax, babe,’” said Vanessa while awkwardly shooing James’ hand away as he tried to give her a neck massage.

“Now, he slaps my ass every time I bring him mail, food, or literally for no reason. Sometimes when I'm just sitting there working, I feel him breathing on my neck and when I turn around he's just there, lurking and looking at me with this intense glare while biting his lips. To be honest, it’s a bit overwhelming since we haven’t been intimate in years,” she said while building a physical barrier with pillows in the middle of their bed. 

For now, McCallister looks forward to the day there’s a vaccine available.

"You can’t even caress a woman’s lower back at a coffee shop without someone yelling at you for not being socially distant. I can’t wait until things are back to normal.”