BREAKING: Biden's Covid Relief Bill To Include McDonald's Money
WASHINGTON D.C.—With more than 10 million Americans unemployed, President Biden has announced that his Coronavirus Relief bill will also include McDonald’s money. The spokesperson for the president made sure to clarify that the extra cash is for the 8 million food-insecure children whose parents simply refuse to purchase the Happy Meal.
“It’s safe to say that the pandemic has affected all of us during these trying times,” announced President Biden during a White House briefing. “Parents were already hesitant to buy their children McDonald’s before the pandemic and with unemployment at an all-time high, it’s now nearly impossible. No longer will a child eagerly ask for McDonald’s only to have their mother look back at them and ask them ‘do you have Mcdonald’s money’ or respond by saying ‘we have food at the house’, knowing that whatever leftovers are at home are nowhere near as delicious as a 5-piece chicken nugget meal.”
This may be Biden’s biggest contribution to the African American community, unless he, of course, decides to give out reparations. Black mothers everywhere rejoiced after finding out they don’t have to dig in their pockets to feed their children McFlurries and fries from the bottom of the paper bag.
“The President is really showing that he cares about our community,” said Ebony Marshall as she puts away the food she was planning to cook for the week. “I mean, I was going to make McDonald’s at home like I always do, but I was starting to see it take a toll on my kids. I could see the disappointment in their eyes every time I use sliced bread as buns. I know it doesn’t taste the same, but I can’t afford to keep buying these kids McDonald’s every time they ask!”
During the press conference, President Biden gave a detailed description of what McDonald’s money will cover and how it will be distributed. He made the momentous announcement standing next to Ronald McDonald, The Hamburglar, Grimace, and Janet Yellen.
“We’re going to invest $3 billion towards McDonald’s money. That’s enough for every child in America to get one Happy Meal of their choice, whether it’s a hamburger or chicken nuggets, and a dessert from the McCafe Bakery," said the president. "Once the check arrives, it will be placed in your cubby hole or be included in your bi-weekly allowance. Do not use this coupon at Burger King or you will be persecuted in federal court to the fullest extent of the law.”
General managers across the country are worried they won’t be able to meet the demand if this bill is passed.
“We just don’t have enough labor,” screamed General Manager Ed Winston as he aggressively flings fries into Happy Meal boxes. “No fast food worker wants to spend all day putting toys in boxes for minimum wage! I already had three people call off today after they heard the news.”
When asked if he expects Republican support for his new proposal, Biden stated, “ If we can get their support—great. But support or no support, it has to pass! There is a child pointing out the window right now and a mother with the word ‘no’ ready to leave her lips.”
