CDC Recommends Watching Your Sims WooHoo As Best Form Of Safe Sex For Singles During The Pandemic
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The CDC recently released new guidelines for healthy sexual activity for singles during the pandemic: watching your Sims WooHoo.
“We at the CDC know it’s been a long winter and that intimacy with another real, living, breathing person could help you feel connected to something, anything," said a spokesperson. "But at the same time, since you’re single and probably missed your last chance at love and companionship, the best way of being socially responsible is seeing your Sims Ryan and Amanda really get out of the friend zone and get into the faulty Jacuzzi.”
The CDC went on to give some great tips to make Ryan and Amanda get to it:
Be in a club: it helps promote a sexy Sims mood.
Know both Sims really well so you can help the conversation keep flowing.
Buy a hot tub even if you have to get it really cheap and it’s known to burst into flames.
Have Ryan tell Amanda she takes really good care of her family and she’s everything he’s ever wanted. And have Amanda tell Ryan he has great abs and his sister makes good conversation. Then, have him kiss her hardcore and shoo away random family members as they try to come by to ask for directions or to feed the cat.
The CDC encourages the healthy viewing of watching your Sims hookup as a fun and playful way to be a sexual being while never being able to actually get laid.
“In the past, watching fictional video game characters hookup might've had some stigma surrounding it. But now, with the all-consuming virus terrorizing the nation, now is the time to embrace it.”
When asked if you and a hot stranger from Tinder can watch Sims hookup together, the CDC said, “No! You’re missing the point. Sims is a solo, solitary, lonely one player game and we need to keep people away from each other. Just focus on the exploding hot tub with Ryan and Amanda in it, hooking up with their hands all over each other while they try not to die.”
