Publicly Purchasing Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready Now Diagnosed As Newest Sign Of Depression
YOUR HOUSE, USA—Due to the ongoing pandemic, political turmoil, and the announcement of a Sex and the City reboot without Samantha Jones, depression is at an all-time high.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, there are ten common signs of depression, the most common of which are “feelings of hopelessness or pessimism, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness, decreased energy, and fatigue.” As of yesterday, however, the DSM has now added “publicly purchasing a six-dollar Little Caesar’s pizza and carrying it home” as the newest symptom of depression.
It’s been known for decades that walking into a Little Caesar’s pizza is a sign of shame and probable unemployment. The excruciatingly poor quality of the pizza is a direct reflection of one’s self-image.
“People’s levels of depression can be measured by their pizza choice," said Psychiatrist Dr. Barry Nelt. "For instance, if you feel bad about yourself but enjoy watching middle-aged men hastily fold pizza boxes: Domino’s. If you’re lonely but comfortable with your status and enjoy creepily empty restaurant: Round Table. People who are experiencing suicidal tendencies exclusively favor Pizza Hut. But actively purchasing a piping warm $5 Hot-N-Ready from The Caesar is a profound benchmark in depression research.”
There is no scientific proof that anyone has ever eaten a Little Caesar’s pizza with other people, a key statistical anomaly driving this research. Little Caesar’s pizza is designed to be eaten in devastating solitude.
Little Caesar’s pizza, in clinical terms, is often referred to as the “most profound and affordable example of self-hatred.” The patrons of Pizza Hut know their end is coming so they tend to indulge in a pizza that tastes like the emptiness they experience in their day-to-day.
“A six-dollar Little Caesar’s Pizza is hopelessness with pepperoni,” stated Dr. Nelt, who exclusively eats Papa John’s.
