Little Caesars Reveals 'Crazy Bread' Misdiagnosed, Has Just Been Garlic Bread All Along
GARDEN CITY, MICHIGAN—National pizza chain Little Caesars has been satisfying pizza-lovers on a tight budget for decades. Beyond classics such as the HOT-N-READY pies and the Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza, one of the most famous menu items offered is the Little Caesars Crazy Bread.
However, the popular side item is undergoing a bit of an identity crisis, as Little Caesars recently revealed that Crazy Bread was misdiagnosed and has actually just been garlic bread this whole time.
Talk about a mental health win!
This revelation comes after multiple clinical trials and testing from the psychiatric ward at the University of Michigan Hospital, where Crazy Bread has been receiving treatment.
“We’ve put the menu item formerly known as ‘Crazy Bread’ through every kind of psychiatric test you can imagine,” explains Dr. Sarah Cristt, 50, a mental health expert at the University of Michigan Hospital. “All of the tests indicate the same result: the bread simply is not crazy. Sure, you’ve got parmesan cheese sprinkled on top of these dippable breadsticks, which might feel unusual to some. But the garlic flavor is there, the marinara dipping sauce is there. It’s just regular, sane garlic bread.”
This news comes as a shock to the entire Little Caesars corporation, which has been exclusively referring to the bread as “Crazy Bread” since the item was added to the menu.
“The truth of the matter is: we know more about mental health now than we did back then,” says Michael Yeats, 63, a spokesperson for the Little Caesars brand. “Back in the '70s and '80s, we didn’t have the terms that we do now. If you invented a new kind of dippable garlic breadstick that, and I cannot stress this enough, has Parmesan cheese sprinkled on top, well, you’d call it crazy! Anybody would. Now, in 2020, we know better.”
Little Caesars has announced that the menu item formerly-known as “Crazy Bread” is going to be formally rebranded and renamed to “Completely Sane Garlic Bread With Some Parmesan Cheese Sprinkled on Top”. But, according to Dr. Cristt, the damage has already been done.
“We’re talking about a bread that has been called ‘crazy’ for essentially its entire existence,” explains Cristt. “That kind of internalized trauma doesn’t just go away overnight. It’s going to take years and years of therapy for this bread to unlearn all of the dangerous stigmas that these labels have caused.”
Pizza, pizza? More like “trauma, trauma”!
