“Mail-In Ballots Are The Way Of The Future, Old Man!” Yells Rapscallion Skater Boy
Eat my shorts, Grandpa! This is the type of sentiment shared by all of America’s youth today. This generation of young people, composed of sugar-crazed, wild, twerking hooligans who dictate what they do with their turbulent existence by following the latest trends and hip hashtags. The most recent one? Mail-in ballots.
“It was despicable!” recalled senior citizen Wally Reynolds. “This young rapscallion skateboarded right over my hydrangeas yesterday. Naturally, I told him to ‘get off my lawn’. He simply replied, ‘Get off your ass and vote, old ass!’”
FLEXX decided to sit down with today’s youth to try and better understand this crazy new trend of “mail-in ballots”:
FLEXX: It seems that all the youth are talking about these days is mail-in ballots. Why is this?
YOUTH: Easy, Papi! There’s nothing doper than a mail-in ballot. It deadass creates the most opportunity to increase voter turnout.
FLEXX: But, you are a young, slacker skateboarder--why be interested in mail-in voting? Don’t you care more about things like a “gnarly ollie on the old shredder?”
YOUTH: Haha, radical bruh! While my heart does yearn for a gnarly ollie, I believe getting the voices of our youth out and heard is the greatest kickflip of all. You feel me?
FLEXX: Well, that simply makes no sense...What is the appeal for mail-in voting? Especially for a generation like yours that hardly ever utilizes the USPS?
YOUTH: Dude! USPS is my shit, gives me life. Do you know what we say USPS stands for down in the bowl? “The Ultimate Stupendous Poppin’ System”.
FLEXX: Indeed… and what do you say to the elderly who critique your support and use of the mail-in ballot system?
YOUTH: To all senior citizens, I’d humbly say that democracy belongs to the people, yet we are at the precipice of a horrendous and apocalyptic outcome brought about by our futile and antiquated two-party system. This in turn has created the utmost urgency to guarantee that we have everyone’s voices heard no matter what method they use, deadass.
FLEXX: Wait, really?
YOUTH: Nah! I’d probably just say something like, “Eat a whole dick, pops! I’m gonna live forever!”
