Mail-in Ballot Only Valid If Filled Out With Blood Of Your Firstborn
It’s finally here! After weeks of waiting and a testy phone call to your local Board of Election Commissioners, your mail-in ballot has arrived. But be careful to read the fine print: your ballot won’t count unless it’s filled out with the blood of your firstborn.
Mail-in voting instructions can be overwhelming. Sifting through a handful of bullet points printed in a 16-point bolded font leaves many voters exhausted and reaching for the nearest black BIC Round Stic Xtra Life Ballpoint pen. But to have your voice heard in 2020, you’ll need to dust off your quill and fill up your inkpot with the sanguine fluid of your oldest child.
“I never read the voting instructions before,” says Barbara Holden of Des Moines, IA, who used to have faith that the government wouldn't look for any excuse possible not to count her vote. “I’m not taking any chances this year. I’d hate to have my ballot thrown out just because I couldn’t get my Kaelynn to bleed a little.”
“These bruises are a small price to pay for your right to vote,” Holden explained to her sobbing teenage daughter after she missed Kaelynn’s median cubital vein four times in the search for a good flow.
Elsewhere in the country, parent voters are getting creative with their familial bloodletting. In Fort Collins, CO, Joe McNamara has taught their preschooler how to julienne carrots with a dull kitchen knife in the hopes of completing their ballot before the post office closes.
“I think it’s great we’re getting the kids involved in the voting process so young,” McNamara said while slowly dipping an antique fountain pen in a Dixie cup of fresh blood, forcibly taken. “The whole experience has been a valuable lesson in kitchen safety and democracy.”
After drenching your crow feather quill in the blood of America’s youth, make sure to completely fill in the bubble next to your preferred candidate’s name. Check marks and Xs are not readable by ballot scanning machines, so keep that hemoglobin inside the lines! Place your bloody ballot inside the prepaid return envelope and sign in the plasma of your eldest progeny before mailing.
