Email Finds, Murders Woman

COLUMBUS, OH—Sources report that early Monday morning, young central Ohio professional Stella, 25, was found and brutally murdered by a rabid email at a local Dunkin’ Donuts. After the incident, the email escaped without a trace and is now at large in the greater Columbus metropolitan area.

Witnesses at the scene of the crime say the murder was nothing short of a bloodbath.

“Awful, just fucking awful,” said Derek, 31. The Columbus resident had been waiting for his coffee when the incident occurred. “That email was out for blood. That poor, half-asleep woman stood absolutely no chance.”

Experts piecing together what happened after the fact are also stunned.

“Looks like this email did not find this woman well, to say the least,” said forensic scientist Dr. Lindsey Beaver, 42. “However, it did find her location and hunt her down quite effectively, so in a way it actually did find her well? Anyways, this woman’s body has been destroyed beyond all recognition.”

“After further investigation, I am still not entirely sure what the motives of this email were,” said computer analyst Dr. Mark Andrews, 54. “Maybe it felt the woman had not replied to it quickly enough? Ultimately, I am concerned that emails have a darker, more violent side to them than we as a society have considered previously.”

All Columbus residents are urged to ignore their email servers until more information about the crime has been made public. For safety reasons, it may also be advisable to turn off all location-based services or to honestly just stop participating in society in general.