Wow! This Vegetarian Gets Their Protein By Minding Their Own Goddamn Business

PHILADELPHIA, PA—That’s right, local 27-year-old Sammie Walters is vegetarian.

“I get my protein by eating nuts, eggs, beans, and a daily cup of understanding that I don’t need to know everything about the personal lives of others,” Walters explains before your smart ass can ask. “This way of getting my protein helps me to stay energized since I’m not frequently starting dumbass conversations. You should try it sometime.”

According to local sources, Walters gave up eating meat over eight years ago. She is a vegetarian for personal reasons but doesn’t necessarily want to explain them to you if you’re going to be fucking weird about it. You are going to be fucking weird about it.

“Before you ask: no. I don't miss bacon, you fucking idiot," she explained. "I know that you like and would miss bacon if you were to give up meat. You don’t have to tell me."

“I’m not sure why I’m being asked to comment on this, as being a vegetarian is a choice no one needs to defend,” Sammie’s doctor elaborated because you somehow got their contact information and are asking invasive questions. “Furthermore, Sammie isn’t weak or frail just because she’s vegetarian. Please leave me alone, answering any more of your questions probably violates HIPPA somehow anyways.”

At press time, you are about to ask Walters what she would do if she were on a stranded island alone and the only source of food was wild pigs she could kill for meat. Would she finally give up her morals in this hypothetical situation that will never happen, you ask smugly? Sources say that this is a weird question and you should stop.