Op-Ed: I Don’t Watch Porn Because They Don’t Lock The Door And That Makes Me Nervous
I don’t watch porn, and that’s because I have never in my life (and I have checked) seen a clip where they lock the doors before having sex. Don’t you people understand that I feel second-hand stress every time this happens? Because I do, and I can’t take it anymore!
Here’s what I want people in porn videos who don’t lock the doors before having sex to understand:
I get nervous easily. Whenever I try to watch porn and they don’t lock the door before fucking, I can’t enjoy it because I’m too busy worrying about whether someone will come in or not. After all, someone could totally walk in on you the next time you decide to awkwardly try 69! Does this not stress you out? Hell, I’m stressed out for you!
A lot of doors have locks. Look, we can all tell that the doors near you have locks. We also can tell that they are nearby and easy to reach, especially in those sunny Miami condos. For the love of god, it’s not hard!
Have consideration for others. No one wants to see you having sex, that’s gross! (Unless they are watching porn, in which case I guess they do). By locking the doors, therefore, you’re thinking about the comfort and needs of others around you unless your stepmother wants to touch herself in the doorway of your bedroom while she watches you having sex with your ripped boyfriend.
Not entirely related but half of these videos are just you cheating on your significant other? When you do this, you make me nervous about the state of your current relationship in addition to the fact that you aren’t locking the doors before you fuck. Look, when I clicked on the video, I didn’t think I was going to have to worry about you throwing your five-year relationship with Jacob out the window for a quickie in a public restroom! I’m just trying to cum to something that doesn’t raise my blood-pressure, god damn!
In any case, communication is key, and it’s also not fair to leave the person you’re cheating with in the dark as to what you are involving them in. Always, always, always have a serious discussion with the person you are cheating with beforehand so that they know what to expect. It only takes a couple of minutes, yet can save both you and the person you are cheating with from grief later down the road. (And me. It can save me from some grief too.) Also, just lock the door.
Please Invite Me Next Time. If you lock the doors, at least. (Please I am serious, lock the doors)
