Op-Ed: I Believe All Women. But I Don’t Have To Believe You About Sheet Masks

Op-Ed: I Believe All Women. But I Don’t Have To Believe You About Sheet Masks

Hey babe,

I support you. I support your female friends. I believe Christine Blasey Ford. I respect and admire Tarana Burke. When you told me about the sexual harassment you dealt with at work, I believed you too. 

But I’m drawing the line at sheet masks. They don’t do anything. And neither does that jade roller you keep rubbing on your face while you watch 90 Day Fiancé. I know I don’t practice self care myself, I have uncontrolled back-acne and my hair is never washed but I do not believe that jade roller does shit. And Halo Top doesn’t taste like anything, especially not ice cream. The Hungry Man TV dinners I enjoy taste like heaven and contrary to what you think they do have vegetables in them. And bee pollen doesn’t help you feel better and neither does “raw manuka honey.”

When I need to feel better, all do is punch holes in the wall and call my mom a bitch. Eye palettes are a waste of money but don’t ask me what I’m doing to manage the deep dark circles under my eyes because I don’t know I’m just gonna live with it. And the “boutique” exercise classes you take are dumb too. Just join a CrossFit gym and have some repressed guy yell at you to lift tires like I do!

I believe all women. I do. But I don’t have to believe everything you say. But you do have to believe me when I saw that 3 in 1 shampoo, conditioner and body wash works just as well. 

Love ya, 
Jake Roberts, your understanding, liberal boyfriend.

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