Productivity Hack? Woman Sent Risky Text, Completed Entire Ph.D. Program Before Reading The Response
CHICAGO, IL—Trying to be productive? Look no further for inspiration than local woman Bethany Kitchener, 29, who wrote a 300-page dissertation, successfully defended it, published it, presented it at three conferences, and subsequently graduated from her PhD. program before reading a response to a risky text to Brian Waters, 28, who, according to Kitchener, "probably rejected" her.
“I admitted to Brian that I kind of like him over text. I just had to ask him for coffee, you know?” Kitchener admits, holding the diploma in her hand. “After sending the message, though, I realized I just didn’t want to know what his response would be afterward. There was just no way it was going to be good.”
Kitchener has not touched her phone since late 2017. Friends and family report having a difficult time trying to reach or make plans with her. Her research adviser, however, cannot relate.
“I’ve never met someone so motivated to work. If anything, she was probably too motivated,” said Kitchener’s Ph.D. adviser, Dr. Alexis Barnes, 62. “If I’m being honest: that woman should probably get a life or a boyfriend or do... something. Honestly, anything.”
“Bethany’s drive to accomplish all that without checking her phone even once is pretty admirable,” says motivational speaker Mark Ridges, 43, who said that her strategy for productivity just might work for those who procrastinate or fear social rejection. “In fact, I may try this technique myself next time I decide to make a major life change.”
Kitchener has already begun her next dissertation on this new method of productivity, not having sex with a human for the better part of a decade.
“Want to focus on your graduate studies, but not sure if you could complete an entire degree program after sending a risky text yet? No problem, try sending risky texts before completing smaller tasks first, then work your way up,” said Kitchener when asked if she had advice for other Ph.D. candidates. “Cleaning your room or responding to emails are a couple of things I’d suggest trying to start with. Works like a charm!”
When asked what’s next, Kitchener says she’s unsure.
“Now that I’ve finished this degree, I’m still not sure if I want to check my phone still,” Kitchener admits. “Some things, like Brian’s response—if there even ever was one—are best left unknown. Maybe I’ll just get another master’s degree or travel the world, who knows.”
While most who know Kitchener are impressed with her work ethic and are excited to see what she does next, one particular member of the community doesn’t quite agree with Kitchener’s lifestyle.
“I’ve been waiting for three years to see if Bethany would text me back about going for coffee,” lamented Brian Waters at press time. “I actually had a crush on her too, and was elated to hear that she liked me back! Since she hasn’t replied, though, for so long, I figure it’s time to move on. Still, I can’t help but wonder what she’s been doing this whole time. Anyway, I'm happily married now with three beautiful children and two dogs. ”
