State GOP Eliminates All Voters, Cites Cost Cutting Move

Transcript of remarks given by Senate President JD Wallace (R-District 7):

We are pleased to announce a breakthrough cost-cutting measure that will, in turn, allow us to take a substantial leap forward in how we serve the citizens of this great state.

This policy represents everything that makes America great. Today we are moving forward with legislation to streamline voting by eliminating the most problematic and complicated part of elections, the voters themselves.

Without actual voters and all their overhead, we can dramatically return millions of dollars to the state’s coffers which can be in turn used to upgrade the rest stops on our Interstates, a long-overdue project.

Every voter costs the state $79.50. It becomes a blank check when you have unrestrained “get out the vote effort.” We are the fiscally conservative party and blank checks have no business in our budget. Make it out to Cash, I say.

We also feel the public does not realize how expensive voting machines are. You’d think a country that could come up with a battery-operated car would not need to import these machines from South America. Buy American or don’t buy. We chose not to buy. Voting's out folks. You'll thank us later.

Additionally, multiple studies show voting costs the economy a fortune. Not everyone is lucky enough to be unemployed and be able to vote at their leisure. Hardworking people skip out on work and someone has to pay for that absenteeism. Not the welfare lovers for sure. I'm looking at you, Barry Wilson at 14 Maple Lane. Get a job, you bum.

The old system made no sense. Mail-in ballots became like some cheap Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons for mediocre cookware. My wife has a hundred of those coupons stuffed in a drawer. If they were actual ballots and my wife had a dishonest bone in her blessed body, she could just dump them into the mailbox and no one would be the wiser.

Community leaders were begging for a change. Why, even in the colored churches, er.. the churches of color—COCs or whatever—there’s a backlash at mixing the Lord Jesus and politics with that Sunday worship voting program. I had a black pastor only yesterday plead with me to keep the Lord’s Day away from Caesar. Well, pastor, we heard you loud and clear. We will keep voting far from your congregation.

I will be answering absolutely no questions at this time. Thank you.