Op-Ed: Mask Mandates Are Hurting Our Communities. Also, I Live In A Fucking Trash Can

I’ve lived in a can on this block for 40 years and I ain't never seen no garbage like this. I was sitting here yesterday, minding my business, when two coppers came by to "pay me a visit."

Slimey was with me, but he ducked out as soon as he saw them comin’. Some friend! He has a warrant out for a non-violent crime or something, I forget.

Anyway, I’m thinking 12 just wanna say hi or something, maybe an autograph, but nooooo. You know what they tell me? They tell me if I don’t put a stinkin’ mask over my face, I’m gettin’ a ticket.

“Keep your masks to yourself,” I tells 'em. “You wanna wear one, fine. That doesn’t mean I gotta."

Then one of ‘em starts writin’ in a funny lookin’ book.

“Whatcha writin'?” I says. “Is that your diary?"

He tears out a page, throws it into the can, and walks. It’s a ticket that says I gotta pay 50 bucks for not wearing a mask in public. What kind of money do they think I got? I don’t work at Hooper’s store. Looks like today is sponsored by the letters “F” and “U,” kids!

Editor’s note: the op-ed was originally written for the New York Post.