Op-Ed: The Weight Of Your Father's And My Expectations Are Cheaper Than A Weighted Blanket, Just Saying

You’ve seen the ads on Instagram: buy a weighted blanket to improve sleep, stress, and anxiety. "It’s like a hug you can wear!" Your parents—your father and I—however, would like to remind you that you can sink under the weight of our expectations for free.

A top-of-the-line weighted blanket can cost a hundred dollars or more, and you don’t have that kind of money while you hop between part-time jobs working on your “acting career.” Isn’t it about time you settled down and got a nice office job with health insurance? Think about the hopes and dreams your father and I had for your accounting career. That weight doesn’t cost a thing!

It will take a lot of effort to lug that 20-pound cement quilt around. Maybe you’d be strong enough to lift it if you’d stuck it out on the football team and made it to varsity as Dad wanted... but hey, we support you! Unlike a weighted blanket, those internalized feelings of disappointment and shame can live in your head rent-free all the time.

“But it will help me sleep?”

Do you know who didn’t get any help sleeping? Me and your father when you cried and peed your pants for hours on end while you were a baby. And here you are, 29 years old and childless, complaining about poor sleep. When are you gonna give me a grandchild? When I'm dead? Now try and get some rest while you’re paralyzed by the image of my sad, grandchildless grave, free of charge.

That weighted blanket might feel good at the moment, but it’s only going to hold you down. Literally. Just like those no-good bums you hung out with in high school. Maybe you should’ve been friends with that boy Mark down the street like we wanted. He’s a lawyer now and just bought a condo on the Gold Coast. A condo! Can you imagine?

When are you going to ditch your lazy roommates and make something of yourself? Get out from under that fabric slab of baloney and start reaching for those unattainable parental standards! It doesn’t cost money to try.

You keep saying the blanket’s going to help with your anxiety. What do you have to be anxious about? We worked hard so you could have a stress-free life. All they ask is that you make some good choices for once! An overpriced weighted blanket will come and go, but a family’s draining expectations are forever. See you at Thanksgiving. Love you.