Mixed Signals! Woman Calls Herself 'Girl Boss,' LinkedIn Indicates She's Just Middle Management

ROCKVILLE, MD—Jessica Phillips, 29, is being called out by friends on social media for being “a lying-ass bitch,” due to a discrepancy between her Instagram and Linkedin profiles.

"She captions her selfies with ‘YAS KWEEN BOSS BITCH SLAY’ and yet, her resume doesn’t say she has any subordinates," said Phillips' occasional friend, Ashley Sutherlin. "Something's not adding up."

Another one-month friend, Lindsey Kilginer, reported: “She’s always saying she has ‘Big Clit Energy,’ but I don’t see it in her credentials anywhere. Besides, her boyfriend's never given her an orgasm so what is the truth?"

Jessica was contacted for comment and immediately became defensive.

“I don’t know, ok?" she said, bursting into tears. "Leave me alone!”

She then wiped her eyes, her mood rapidly shifting, and immediately denied crying or having emotions at all.

“Those weren’t actually tears—psyche—they were shards from the GLASS CEILING I JUST SMASHED, MOTHERFUCKERS,” she proclaimed before marching into her place of employment where she performs secretarial tasks for men less qualified than her.