Op-Ed: Help! Your Preacher Needs A New Airplane

Jul 7

Jul 7 Op-Ed: Help! Your Preacher Needs A New Airplane

[Transcribed from live video-recording. Date: 07/03/2022]

Friends, these are some difficult times, as you know. I am affected the most, and that is why I am talking to you. Thank you all for coming to our small—just 20,000-seats—place of worship. I can see the Lord shining down from the nosebleeds today, and on our streaming platform!

You’ve seen it with your own eyes: the economy, inflation, the Scamdemic. It's affecting all of us. It is difficult because I am affected the most out of any of you, by far. Let me explain.

Gas prices are affecting everything, from ground transport to the air transport. Air transport—that is where I am, closer to God's grace. It is true, I use our airplane, in spirit and in person, to fly between our churches.

But, lately, due to gas prices, it has become very expensive to fly. Our leadership has tried everything to lower the cost, from reducing the number of items on the menu, just the regular stuff, you know, like caviar and steak, to reducing the number of flight-attendants to only three.

Also, we have started sharing the airplane with other rich, and I mean rich in spirit, people, just to cover the cost of gas. But this ongoing situation is, well, ongoing, and we have to fix it. We thought about it a lot, over the lunch, and we decided that we have to change our ways. This cannot go on. Let me tell you why.

First of all, when we share the airplane with other rich (in spirit) people, they take up spaces we’d use to relax, like extra the extra lounge chairs and overnight plane beds with the cupholders. Next, bathroom breaks are incredibly long. Pure suffering, like the real fires of Damnation. Finally, they eat some of the food. Can you believe that? Can you?!

That's my pitch, holy ones. If you can find it in your heart to place a few more dollars in the basket going around or Venmos in the digital basket emailed to you every morning and night, this old preacher's son will be more than happy.

(I can never as a God fearing man ever fly Spirit.)