Nonstick Frying Pan A Fucking Liar

OAKLAND, CA—Amateur chef Darrien Wells, 32, excitedly unpacked his new box of nonstick frying pans yesterday evening only to find out those little shits had lied to him.

“I fried up an egg just to test things out,” Wells reported. “The next thing I know: I’m chipping that fucker out of the pan with a chisel. I can’t believe this massive houseware corporation would just blatantly lie to me like that!”

Wells pointed at the packaging, which guaranteed nonstick or his money back. When asked about the guarantee, he suddenly was much less disappointed in his purchase.

"What, I have to return this to Target? Eh, it doesn't stick that bad. I just gotta soak 'em before I wash. No biggie."

Wells said his new goal was to see what other household items and appliances are lying to him. At the time of this publication, Wells was interrogating his "no ironing needed" shirts and had plans to tackle his "just spray and walk away" bathroom cleaner next.