Unable To Predict Next Dietary Restriction, Baker Puts '______-Free!' Sticker On Packaging, Asks Stores To Fill In Blank
DES MOINES, ID—Remarking it was quite a relief to be able to throw his hands up and say, “Fuck this shit”, local baker Cal Watson, who was “absolutely clueless about being able to predict the next diet trend to hit the health food community,” simply put a blank space and then ‘- [dash] free’ on his bread packages for all Friday orders, hoping stores would be clever and forward-thinking enough to fill in the blank for him.
“These stupid fucking, pointless dietary restrictions have been coming at me and my company so fast, and honestly, I’m done,” stated a very adamant Watson, expanding on being incredibly naive when it came to following the continuing changes in health food crazes. “At this point, I wouldn’t even care if they put ‘bread-free’ on all my goddamn bread packages,” he concluded.
After struggling for days upon realizing the gluten-free trend was dying out and him not even knowing how his particular product, made up of simply grains, flour, and yeast, was related to a Keto diet in any way, either good or bad, Watson got the idea that the stores who carried his particular bread, “a food product people have gladly eaten since the beginning of time with no problems whatsoever, until someone came along one day and decided every single ingredient in the fucking world needed a goddamn substitute, or be removed altogether,” were probably better suited to just pick a random element, and say it was left out.
Watson continued, “I can’t lie on the package, so it’s at least gotta be an additive that was never in the bread to begin with,” he started, “and my buyers would have a much better grasp than I would when it comes to current shit people are avoiding in their daily food regimens. So they could just put that on the package if they want. Honestly, nobody would know if whatever they picked was in bread to begin with, only that it’s not in it now. It might even be a good idea to just add some stupid ingredient, only to then take it out, so my claim wasn’t totally misleading.”
At press time, when asked by his most popular store what he wanted to be written on the display case for his baked good line, Watson simply responded, ‘Bread; completely vegan since whenever the fuck it was created.'
