Manson Rumored To Have Surgically Removed His Own Dick To Stop Allegedly Assaulting Women From His Past

Feb 6

Feb 6 Manson Rumored To Have Surgically Removed His Own Dick To Stop Allegedly Assaulting Women From His Past

NEW YORK CITY—Disgraced rocker Marilyn Manson, who was once rumored to have removed a pair of ribs so he could suck his own dick, has, in a fortunate twist of fate, removed his dick as yet another accusation of sexual assault surfaced against him. Surgeons at The Mount Sinai Hospital confirmed Mr. Manson is in recovery after a successful and uncomplicated demilitarization of his nether zone.

“This is more than a preventative measure,” hospital spokesperson Jurgen Mueller proudly announced. “Once this story hits the news cycle, people will be hanging out their windows banging on pots and pans like it’s 2020 again. All of us at Mount Sinai are really proud of this medical team, and I can’t wait to hear the people of this city sound their cacophonous thanks.”

Surgical lead Dr. Henrik van Dijk gave up a few minutes of his allotted 15 minutes for lunch (a house salad, ranch dressing) to share how it went down below the belt.

“Snip, snap, snip, snap,” he said, holding out two fingers like he’d just won a game Rock, Paper, Scissors. “That’s really all there is to it. It’s not like we were dealing with a baby’s arm, for lack of a better analogy. It was more like a fractured pinky."

A since leaked video from the surgery center shows the anesthesiologist twerking over the detached pud, before the lead nurse snatches it away and chases the equipment technician around the room with it.

When approached for an official statement on the video that’s sure to go viral, Director of Public Relations Mollie Holland turned the tables by asking rhetorically, “How were they supposed to know what TikTok is?”

Mr. Manson himself wasn’t available for comment, and all his lawyers could muster was that at this time Marilyn is focused primarily on his future. So we called MTV News legend Kurt Loder for his take.

“I hope everyone can see the reversal of fortune here,” Loder began. “Years and years ago, it was said Manson removed a pair of his ribs so he could sexually assault himself by poorly sucking his own dick. Today, the good people over at Mount Sinai removed his dick so he could suck permanently at sexual assault. Good riddance, I say, and I’m not talking about that Green Day song.”