Zombie Outbreak In Amazon Warehouse Quickly Busted, Failed To Unionize

Jul 25

Jul 25 Zombie Outbreak In Amazon Warehouse Quickly Busted, Failed To Unionize

Date: July 22, 2022, at 11:49 AM

Subject: Zombie Prime

This is an addendum to my previous email and maybe my last transmission to corporate HQ1263 before managers take their lunch break. Things went from bad to way badder here at the warehouse.

We don’t know how it started. We guess that one of the employees took an unauthorized restroom break, somewhere between 1142a and 1145a. It is quite possible that the employee’s Amazon Urine Canteen was full at this point and they took, let me restate it again, an unauthorized restroom break. Based on their badge data and CCTV footage, what we saw deeply shook the management to the core.

The video shows employee 001324-dcn coming out of the restroom in what we can only describe as rage behavior. Our warehouse lip-reader AI has transcribed 001324-dcn's alleged words to be: “Who the fuck did not flush the toilet?! It took 24 seconds away from my 3rd unauthorized bathroom break this week! Are y’all insane?”

At that point, we saw 054772-ttc walking by saying, roughly transcribed by our lip-readers: “Don’t just stand there in the way. It takes about six seconds to go around you. And I’m authorized to take a break.”

After that, the two employees in question started attacking other employees. Because they are trained to move fast, and complete as many tasks as possible in the shortest amount of time, this was all over in 2.44 minutes. I must say that, if I were less scared for my life, I’d be very proud of their efficiency.

The management was not affected by this event because we were in our offices on an elevated platform watching behind bullet-proof, one-sided glass. You may be familiar with it since it is a standard layout in all warehouses.

All of this poses another very important problem. It seems that our warehouse zombie-like employees are moving together in unison, which means they are, in a sense, unionizing.

In terms of providing a solution to this problem, as always, we can revert to our flame thrower, shotgun, and a large amount of anti-unionizing literature around the warehouse and in all the break rooms and bathrooms. Should we consider any other options?

Thanks in advance for your guidance.