CDC: Monkeypox Is That Bitch! Anyway, We Know Nothing About It, Good Luck!

ATLANTA, GA—After effectively making the general population believe monkeypox is an STD, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have now discovered that they indeed know nothing about this disease.

“Initially, we believed the virus only impacted men who have sex with other men, resulting in boring straights across the country—myself included—exhaling a sigh of relief. Thankfully, I only have sex with the most vanilla of women,” said one CDC official. “But then, after cases rose in children and other populations, we realized that perhaps the virus can spread through aerosol transmission and second-hand contact with infected material or saliva. Whoops! Just don’t touch anything ever, I guess.”

With little else being known about the virus, the CDC is tirelessly working day and night to make sure monkeypox is the next disease that causes a worldwide pandemic—now that Covid is boring as hell. Schools will resume shortly, masks mandates no longer exist, and the public will not be properly informed about monkeypox.

“We’ll let you know as soon as we know or whatever. Be easy.”