Local Tough Guy Accidentally Buys 'No Salt' Can Of Whoop-Ass, Now Reluctant To Open It Up
SIOUX FALLS, SD—Local tough guy Nick Stendahl, 25, reported significant irritation upon returning home from the grocery store, where he realized too late that he had accidentally grabbed the salt-free cans of whoop-ass.
“Oh, man. Damn it. Damn it. This sucks. Salt-free? My sodium levels are not a problem,” fumed Stendahl just before opening a can on his noisy neighbor. “Although I guess I’m not the one who is going to be consuming these cans of whoop-ass, I’m just going to be opening them on people. But it certainly seems like these cans of whoop-ass might really lack punch if they don’t have that salt in there.”
According to Kroger associate manager Natalia Jackson, 40, who not only reorders the whoop-ass from suppliers but occasionally has to open cans of it on her employees, Mr. Stendahl is not likely to have any recourse at the store.
“Ordinarily, we at Kroger would be happy to take back mistakenly purchased no-salt cans of whoop-ass no questions asked, just as we would take returns for any sugar-free bag of dicks if that is not what a customer intended to buy because we take pride in our customer service,” Jackson said via email. “But unfortunately, during these unprecedented times, we obviously cannot accept the return of any items due to the risk of their carrying any form of bacterial contamination. Also, once the can is open the whoop-ass is no longer viable.”
Already the response to Nick’s cans of whoop-ass has been tepid at best. Local dumbass Myron Handel, 30, ran afoul of Nick at his local gym.
“Nick opened up a salt-free can of whoop-ass on me after I dinged his car with mine outside of the 24 Hour Fitness, and I could really tell the difference—in a bad way,” said Handel. “This can of whoop-ass just had no flavor to it at all. It was just an extremely bland beating. Was it better for me? I guess. But honestly, it was like getting my ass handed to me by a wet handshake.”
Nick still has six more cans of the salt-free whoop-ass in his pantry to get through before he can justify spending on any more, but he told reporters that he is determined to remember that the ones with a green label are the good ones, and the yellow ones are the bad ones.
“It should be easy to remember, because not only does the salt-free whoop-ass suck ass, but it even costs more because it's organic too. And the first one with salt that I buy, I’m going to open up on those Kroger jerks.”
